I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
