when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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