a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
