Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
