my phone needs a breathalizer
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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