why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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