i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
