Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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