I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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