When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm bleeding and have questions
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
