I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
