He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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