please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
