I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
