either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
