Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
