we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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