don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
