my room smells like sperm. sweet.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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