nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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