So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
