I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
