thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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