you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am one with the molecules
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
