Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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