And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
