remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
