MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My feet surprised me
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