i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
