I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
