sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
