The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
