I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
