Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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