Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
