my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
