Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize