His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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