Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we're making bets on your personal life
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
