Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
