Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
God, I missed his penis.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
