Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
