we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
