the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Someone shattered a urinal.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
