Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Randomize
