if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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