I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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