The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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