What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
