Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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