I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
