just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
