quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
