You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
