im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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