I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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