I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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