I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
