he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
